For the Emperor! *NSFW NSFW NSFW*

Today I awoke in my normal fashion. Rousted prematurely by an infernal technological contraption’s incesant beeping, I set out to find the perpetrator. Soon enough I found a small plastic box with lights flashing. When asked it’s name and purpose it continued beeping so with a cry to the Emperor I flung it down my hallway. It ricochet off a wall and into the bathroom, I heard a watery “ploop” and new it had landed in the toilet.

Stripping off my bloody night vestments (the blood being from the ritualistic sacrifices I perform in my sleep to grant myself eternal life), I stumbled to my dresser.

“Open.” I commanded it, forcefully. It did nothing. “OPEN YOU ASSDICKING SHIT FUCKER!” I cried again. Nothing. The thing was obviously malfunctioning. I begrudgingly hoisted open one of the drawers and reached in a hand to draw forth my battle garb. To my dismay the drawer yeilded nothing but air.

“FFFFFFUUUUUUU” I began under my breath as a I systematically dismantled my dresser as punishment. Thirty minutes, two screw drivers and a sledge hammer later, my dresser now served as my “pile of fucking wood”.

Perturbed, angry, and naked, I stood in my hallway regarding my home with contempt for it bore no battle garb. I would have to forage for my clothes like primitive men forage for food. I figured the neighbor’s house would be the first place to start as he seemed to be the type to wear clothes.

I walked to my back door but find the glass door shut. With a mighty bellow I headbutted it repeatedly until the glass shattered. A few shards embedded themselves in my forehead and several more cut deep gashes in my body, drawing forth a steady stream of blood.

Blood soaked, angry and naked I agiley hopped the fence, shouting at the top of my lungs “Yip yip yip!”. My left foot however failed me at that moment and caught on one of the fence boards, ripping half the fence out as I tumbled to the ground.

As I pulled myself out of the tangle of fence posts and slats, I found my neighbor staring at me in freightful bewilderment. “For the Emperor.” I stated matter-of-factly, attempting to explain my impromptu entrance.

Slowly his eyes drifted from the shards embedded in my forehead, down my bruised and cut body, and inevitably to my handsome gonads. Confused, he attempted to say a word, but simply sputtered.

“For. The. Emperor.” I said more firmly, growling at him as I flexed my pectoral muscles, switching from one to the other.

With a frightened yawp, my neighbor dove into his house and began dailing his phone, most likely calling the police. Quickly I moved, forcing my way through his screen door, to intercept. I grabbed the phone from his hand and bit off the antennae. I then grabbed him by the throat and forced his head through the nearest window.

Feeling safe that I would have no intrusions on my hunt for clothing I searched his house for his laundry room. I eventually found it in the garage. I began sorting through the man’s dirty rags, finding them all to be not to my liking. After going through the pile twice, I found I would have to pick the best ones he had, though none were up to my standards.

After a time I decided upon a very utilitarian outfit. A bright pink tshirt with the sleeves forcefully and sloppily torn off to create the illusion of a tank top, a brand name scrawled across the chest, “BadBoyz” it said.

I then donned his only pair of denim shorts, the edges frayed and torn. This would have to do. As I exited his house through the front door (I’m a gentleman after all), I pulled the poor chap from his window, his body limp in my arms.

For a moment he stirred and moved as if to escape so I forcefully headbutted him until one of the shards of glass transferred to his left eye ball.

As I strolled down his front steps I stopped a moment to relieve myself on his lawn. His elderly neighbor stared at me, her hair curlers giving her head an almost alien appearance. I noted I would have to check her for Xenos DNA sooner or later.

As I loosed the last few drops of urine from my bladder, I memory came to me. Today was my friend James’ birthday. I was supposed to be at his house to celebrate with him in only two hours. Moving like a cat on hallucinagenics, I leaped sporatically to my car, a VW Van with the top half violently sheered off to create the illusion of it being a convertable.

Blood stains permeated the seats and my assortment of tools lay in the back. I hopped in and began furiously rabbit kicking the ignition until by some eldritch power, the vehicle sprang to life.

“Kee-keri-kee!” I shouted as I left my culdesac to go birthday shopping. To be honest, I had no idea what I would buy James, or where, but through no fault of my own I ended up at the local Walmart.

I parked my vehicle (fondly called the “Killfuck Soulshitter IV”) on top of an elderly lady and strolled through the automatic doors, thanking the spirits for opening them for me. A young ginger lad greeted me, his acne screaming in terror.

He stopped for a moment to stare at my attire and I informed him it was borrowed from my neighbor by delivering a swift jab to his wind pipe. He crumpled to his knees, gasping for breathe.

I moved to aisle 2 labeled in ancient runes “Feminine Hygiene Products and Lotions”. I passed a rotund african american woman who stared at me, no doubt marveling at my fine glutial musculature. After a time I began simply pulling items off the shelves and stuffing them down my pants, as I had forgotten to grab a basket.

Time past quickly, a Taylor Swift song playing on repeat over the intercom system. I was no longer aware of my actions, but evidently I had checked out as I found myself running from the Walmart security force, arms full of tampons and home pregnancy tests, screaming obsenities and blasphemies as my pursuers. I had also somehow misplaced my pants.

I threw my treasure in the back of the Killfuck Soulshitter IV and sped off down Hammerson Street. Nearing the point where Hammerson becomes Sonnerham, I slammed on the breaks, as I had bypassed James’ house.

Throwing my car into reverse, I slipped between two other vehicles and slammed into a UPS truck. I went flying through where my windshield would be if it had been there and landed in the passengers seat of the truck, my arm badly bent. I was vaguely aware of the bone protruding and arterial spray flowing violently from my wound.

The UPS driver looked at me in horror. “Burn the heretic, kill the mutant, cleanse the unclean.” I recited to him, hungrily gnawing at his jugular. I soon left his vehicle, feeling woozy from blood loss and retrived James’ gifts from my car.

I managed to stumble to the birthday boy’s house, causing only five traffic jams and collisions. So I was 1 hour and 45 minutes early, it was not a problem, I was sure James would be overjoyed to see me.

I rapped angrily at his door before I began excitedly kicking it. I heard voices from within and began carving runic markings into the wood of the door with my teeth. After a time it opened and there stood James’ sister.

She stared at me in utter disbelief. My arm was now turning very white from blood loss the bone was stained red. Glass adorned my forehead and my outfit was less than satisfactory.

“J…james….JAMES!” she cried for her older brother.

James came sliding down the bannister of the stairs as usual and met me at the door. “Bappy Hirthday.” I managed, spitting blood and teeth all over him.

I began showering him with tampons and home pregnancy tests as his sister began crying. He began shouting at me, but his words turned into Xenos curses. I recognized the heresy before it even began. I stopped my celebratory ritual and socked him right in the solar plexis.

Spinning, I backhanded his sister and tackled him to the ground. There I pinned him and ripped off his shirt, revealing the mark of Khorne upon his chest.

“Zagl Nurgle xhak forek narucht.” he spat, seeming confused. Feeling increasingly weak, I feared my life was coming to an end. With my last ounce of strength I ripped my arm from the elbow down clean off and began forcing my now dead hand into his mouth with my still functioning one.

His sister at this point was silently sobbing, but I could feel the evil eminating from her. Before my eyes she began transforming, while James choked. Her long hair turned into little horns and her arms into pincers. Suddenly I was confronted by a Tyranid Gargoyle.

It was at this point I felt my soul slipping, the warp taking hold. I cried for my unit, but then remembered they were not here. The emperor’s embrace was comforting but cold. I felt myself slipping from consiousness, horror, the warp.. I could feel the xenos so close… but I was so far…

With my final breath I furiously bitch slapped the fucker upside the head and promptly shit myself, the two entirely unrelated. I could feel myself dying. Slipping, sliding. I could smell the smell of decay, I could hear screams. Suddenly everything was warm.

I was now with the Lords of Chaos.